[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Roombas should bark
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I have two kinds of followers
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Trumpy Cat
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.