Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone