servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.