Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Truly one of the great bangers

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit