Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

work smarter, not harder

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Breaking news:

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.