Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.