Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster