Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
are they though??
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.