Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up