Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Can’t stop laughing

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen