Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.