Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Camping tip: No.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
