Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Jogging

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

some things should go without saying

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”