Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
You Might Also Like
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
