Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts