Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.