Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

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It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.


He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO


Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?


Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.


Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.


me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it


I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.