Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.