It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.