I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You Might Also Like
No thanks, I went pro years ago.
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.