Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.


Recreational drugs?

No thanks, I went pro years ago.


To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!


[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda


Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?


Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?


If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham


[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]


Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.