Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Rather alarming headline…
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I have so many questions.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed