Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Go girl power!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
🤣😂🤣😂
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit