Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A little too much information.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.