Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You Might Also Like
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
By Kate Hatos
