Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

“Why you watching this shit?”

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Extremely relatable.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer