Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime