Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.