Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

when u come home smelling like another dog

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Mmmm. Shoeshi

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.