Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.