Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK