“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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dude it’s called proctologist
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder