Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

ㅤ

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage