Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

an octopus is just a wet spider

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Bill is short for Billiam

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.