Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns