[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The pasta is now
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I’m not proud
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.