Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Truly one of the great bangers

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

OH. COME. ON.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.