serving silly goose instead of turkey
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.