Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The happy life.. 😊
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog