Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
12653.
