Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions