Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

There’s only one good girl here!

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone