Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

So glad we cleared that up