Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

🤣🤣

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

That’s enough internet for the day

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together