Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey