Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.