Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.