Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*