Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.