Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
SQUARREL
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.