Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997