Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

These fireworks are awesome! High four!