Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.