Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Who called it baking and not making love
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I bet birds love this building.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.