Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name