Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.