Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.