Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys