Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.