Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
You Might Also Like
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.