set yourself free xox
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Seems a bit forward
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
At ease
