set yourself free xox
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
This meal prepping shit is easy
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
What if the weather talks about us?
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.