Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”