Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

the council will decide your fate

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.