Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man