Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

🤣🤣🤣

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’