[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.