Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
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*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”
Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?
Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.