@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

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@ChickenFrecklez

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

@SatansTongue

*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

@SICKOFWOLVES

PLEASE SEND HELP

I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN

OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE

@Ikea_Monkey_89

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.