[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.