Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?