Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.