*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
is losing your mind a hobby?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business