*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You’re embarrassing. Me: Swag.


Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.

If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?


interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap


Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc


Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster


My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.