*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you