*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
dril cadence
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.