I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”