Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.