Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!