*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before